Kajuma's Weblog

• You have two choices in life:  You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ ‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
• A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Husband Wanted’.  Next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing:  ‘You can have mine.’
• When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
• A woman is incomplete until she is married.  Then she is finished .
• A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
• A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’  Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
• Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.
• ‘Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
• Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’  Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
• ‘A Woman’s Prayer:  Dear Lord, I pray for: wisdom… to understand a man… to love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods… because Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death’
• Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’ The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up..’

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:  ‘Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good’, and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. ‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night .. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers…. and then there are educators !

–

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

“Morning Delight”

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming,

or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her

and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new Truck.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you’d have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you’d have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you’d have $0 today.

But, If you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for deposit  you’d have $214 today.  So the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.  It’s called the 401-KEG Plan!!!

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.”

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced Blonde #1.

“Do what?” asked Blonde #2.

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

WHEN …

My wife asked me,

“How many women have you slept with?”

I proudly replied,

“Only you, Darling, with all the others,  I was awake.”

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

LENA and OLE —

Lena is pregnant with Ole’s child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole

and says, ‘I tink it’s time!’

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

tractor and took her

to the hospital to have their

first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor

looked over at Ole and

said, ‘A son! Ain’t dat Great!

‘ Well, Ole got excited by dis,

but yust den the doctor spoke

up and said,

‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!

‘ The doctor den held up

a little girl.. He said, ‘Hey, Ole!

You got you a daughter!

‘ She’s a pretty little ting, too.’

Ole got kind of puzzled by this,

an then the doctor said,

‘Holey Moley, Ole we still ain’t

done yet!’ The doctor then

delivered another boy and said,

Ole, you yust had yourself

another boy!’

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought

Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked

Lena , ‘How come we got tree on

the first try?’

Lena said, ‘You remember dat night

we ran out of Vaseline and You vent

out in the garage and got dat dere

3-in-1 Oil?’

Ole said, ‘Yeah, I do.. Uffda!

It’s a darn good ting I didn’t get

the WD-40.

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real!

Next time you have a bad day at work …… think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ..

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below…

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit.  This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt

started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Male sensitivity, you ask? Yes, there really is such a thing.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together–It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her”.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes”, answered the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck…

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full..

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

‘I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.’

The old woman smiled, ‘Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?’

‘That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.’

For two years I have been able

to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are,

there would not be this beauty to grace the house.’

Each of us has our own unique flaw.

But it’s the cracks and flaws

we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding..

You’ve just got to take each person

for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my cracked pot friends,

have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

And send this to

any or all of your Cracked Pot friends

Don’t forget the Cracked Pot that sent it to you!!

A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “Do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blondes car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. “What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”