Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, ‘Do you have a condom?’

Donald frowned and said, ‘No.’

Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.

‘Maybe they sell them at the front desk,’ she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

‘Yes, we do,’ the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, ‘Would you like me to put it on your bill?

‘No!’ Donald quacked, ‘I’ll thuffocate.’

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW ——–

Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

The injustive of it all…

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car …

… with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania . Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Iraq……ruled by a dick.

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that.
I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.

The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?’

The young guy says, ‘She’s 24, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?’

The old timer says. .. ‘Doesn’t matter —let’s look for yours.’

Most of us old timers are helpful like that.

There was a young rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,”Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”

How to satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches?

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

I’d like to be six again

she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked

Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET

SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF

ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”

BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T

GONE ‘POOPY’ YET.”

MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW
MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU
HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and Oi’ll

See what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’

‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2009! We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ’sposed to pick them up !!!

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,

“Why don’t you just put it in Park?”

I figured you should have breakfast in bed on you special day

Can You Reach The Stove Okay?

Sit comfortably and be calm. Put your thinking process aside. Put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I was assured this is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I’m only sending this to my ‘old’ friends.

I love to see you smile.

Remember, once you get over the hill, you’ll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren’t for STRESS, I’d have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don’t have any film.

I always know God won’t give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

How To Avoid The Bird, Swine, and Plain ‘Ole

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day..

Go for a swim..

Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can’t wash them,

Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach..

Think about it…

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol… Why??

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..

So…….

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Margarita ..(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary.. (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio.. (fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh.. (eliminate stress)

Then take a nap.. (rest)

The way I see it…

If you keep your alcohol levels up

Flu germs

Can’t get you!

My grandmother always said…

‘A shot in the glass

Is better than one in the ass!’

Live Well – Laugh Often – Love Much

3 Old Ladies – A Detective Story

So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park.

The game is real exciting

and they are enjoying themselves immensely..

mixing the Jack Daniel’s with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some More!

Answer:

It’s the bottom of the fifth and…

The bags are loaded!

Golf Lesson From Above

Catholic or not you’ll laugh at this one:

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. “Shit, I missed.”

“Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.”

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

“Shit, I missed.”

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes

out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .

“Shit, I missed.”

New and hysterically funny – if you have had a colonoscopy!

Click here/copy link:

http://mcg-pe.com/Documents/Scottish%20Colonoscopy.wmv

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit KissMe.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God…

…or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘

‘ What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’

‘ Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.’

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts t he fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there…
{C} Can’t Complain!..
{D} Dang!…
{DD} Double dang!…
{E} Enormous!…
{F} Fake…
{G} Get a Reduction…
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!…

Share this with all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri from Texas .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to Insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a Sprinkler system above it, is $39.

You just have to know how to describe It!’

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………..Cherry
Yellow……………..Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

So Funny!

Traffic Camera Flash

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.

He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

We’ve all read the email about the Schitt Family -
but did you know there’s a video?

Check it out here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fTWQqj5UWY

Steve Harvey and Deacon

The Steve Harvey Show: Tommy’s Prank Phone Call and Preacher

To listen go to: http://podcast.102jamzorlando.com/wjhm2/1640865.mp3