A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car …

… with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania . Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Iraq……ruled by a dick.

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that.
I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.

The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?’

The young guy says, ‘She’s 24, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?’

The old timer says. .. ‘Doesn’t matter —let’s look for yours.’

Most of us old timers are helpful like that.

There was a young rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,”Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”

How to satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches?

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

I’d like to be six again

she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked

Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET

SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF

ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”

BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T

GONE ‘POOPY’ YET.”

MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW
MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU
HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and Oi’ll

See what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’

‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2009! We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ’sposed to pick them up !!!

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,

“Why don’t you just put it in Park?”