Archive for December, 2007

Pharmacy

This is very important so please read very carefully.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the Day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helloooo!…..bottles won’t fit in the printer!

March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.  Box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours….power went out!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid….wrong instructions.  8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition….learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.

September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October – Hate M&Ms….they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days….instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldn’t call 911…”duh”…there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

The Best Blond Joke of the Year – So Far:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox,

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”

Cops

What an idea…

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

 Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says, “sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever loving sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

The Why’s of Men

The Why’s of Men

  1. Why do men become smarter during sex? (because they are plugged into a genius)
  2. Why don’t men blink during sex? (they don’t have enough time)
  3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? (they don’t stop to ask for directions)
  4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? (because their balls fall over their butt hole and they vapor lock)  (You’re laughing, aren’t you!?!?!)
  5. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? (so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties)
  6. Why did God make men before women? (you need a rough draft before you make the final copy)
  7. How many men does it tak to put a toilet seat down? (don’t know….it never happened) (C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
  8. Why did God put men on earth? (because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

 Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart…Then you are just an old sour fart.

I Figured Out Why I Am So Tired

Lately I’ve been feeling very tired. For a couple years now I’ve been  blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure  from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

Here’s why….

  • 167 million are retired.
  • That leaves 133 million to do the work
  • There are 85 million in school
  • Which leaves 48 million to do the work
  • Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
  • Leaving 19 million to do the work.
  • 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
  • Which leave 16.2 million to do the work.
  • Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
  • And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
  • At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
  • Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
  • That leaves just two people to do the work.
  • You and me.

 And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice Real nice!

Kisses

Walking up to the counter at a fabric store, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.  The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Bubba’s New Religion

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.  But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic…

 And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest…

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass …  and as the priest sprinkled Holy Water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba‘s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you’re a catfish…

Is That Your Final Answer

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

No.” She answered.”

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes” She replied.

Then I said, ” I’d like to phone a friend.”

That’s the last thing I remember.

Good Math

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…it goes like this:

  • What makes 100%?
  • What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
  • Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
  • We all have been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
  • How about achieving 103%?
  • What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and…

K--N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but…

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and…

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Growing Old

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so Avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50’s, and if  I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Author Unknown

To a Keeper

¸…¸ __/ /\____ ,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\

“`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

One day someone’s mother died.

And on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of her bedroom, the daughter was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t anymore.

No more hugs, no more lucky moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat,

No more “just one minute.”

Sometimes what we care about the most goes away. never to return before we can say good-bye,

Say “I Love You.”

¸…¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
“`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

So while we have it . . it’s best we love it . . And care for it and fix it when it’s broken .

And take good care of it when it’s sick.

This is true for marriage …. and friendships…

And children with bad report cards; And dogs with bad hips; And aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it,

Because we cherish them!

¸….¸ __/ /\____

,·´º o`· ,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
       “`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
     ¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~· ~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

Some things we keep —

like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that

make us happy, No matter what.

¸..¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
“`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

Life is important, and so are the people we know . .

And so, we keep them close!

¸…¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
“`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

I received this from someone today

who thought I was a Keeper!

Then I shared it with the people

I Think of in the same way!

Now it’s your turn to share this with all those people

who are “keepers” in your life!

¸…¸ __/ /\____
,·´º o`·,/__/ _/\_ //____/\
“`)¨(´´´ | | [1] | | [1]| | |[1] || |l±±±±
¸,.-·²°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°²·-. :º°

Puppy Love

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.  As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.  He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

“Mister, he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”

“Well, said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”  The boy dropped his head for a moment.  Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.  “I’ve got thirty-nine cents.  Is that enough to take a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer.  And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed ‘something else’ stirring inside the doghouse.  Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid.  Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up…

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the ‘runt’.”  The farmer knelt down at the boys side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy.  He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.  Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”  With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.  Holding it ‘carefully’ he handed it to the little boy.


“How much?” asked the little boy.  “No charge,” answered the farmer, “there’s no charge for love.”

  • The world is full of people who need someone who understands!


The Other Side

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die.  Tell me what lies on the other side.”

Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?  You a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside.  He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough.”


May today there be peace within you.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

“I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”

The Tone of Voice

It’s not so much what you say

As the manner is which you say it;

It’s not so much the language you use;

As the tone in which you convey it.

“COME HERE!” I sharply said,

And the child cowered and wept.

“Come here,” I said–

He looked and smiled

And straight to my lap he crept.

Words may be mild and fair

But the tone may pierce like a dart;

Words may be soft as summer air

But the tone may break my heart;

For words come from the mind

Grow by study and art–

But tone leaps from the inner self,

Revealing the state of the heart.

Whether you know it or not,

Whether you mean or care,

Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,

Envy, anger, are there.

Then, would you quarrels avoid

And peace and love rejoice?

Keep anger not only out of your words–

Keep it out of your voice.

Author Unknown (from a Dear Abby clipping)

Graduation Gift

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college.  For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.  As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study.  His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.  He hand his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man’s name embossed in gold.  Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.  He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.  He had not seen him since that graduation day.  Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.  He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrive at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.  He began to search through his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.  With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages.  His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matthew 7:11, “And if you, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall you Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?”

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible.  It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.  On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?  I trust you enjoyed this.  Pas it on to others.  Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for…

If your gift is not packed the way you want it, it’s because it is better packed  that way!  Always appreciate little things; they usually lead you to attachments!

Mothers

Your Mother is always with you!

She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,

She’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.

She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well.

She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day.

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow.

She is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.  And she’s crystallized in every tear drop.

A Mother shows every emotion…

Happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness,

Excitement, joy, sorrow… and all the while, hoping and praying you

Will only know the Good feelings in life.

She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map

You follow with every step you take.

She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing

On earth can separate you.

Not time, not space….not even death.

Author Unknown

Holy Man Conversation with the Lord

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.  He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.  In the middle of the room was a large round table.  In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.  The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They appeared to be famished.  They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.  The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.  The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”

They went to the next room and opened the door.  It was exactly the same as the first one.  There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water.  The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, “I don’t understand.”

“It is simple” said the Lord, “it requires but one skill.  You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.”  When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, “Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.”

The Lord led the holy man to tow doors.  He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.  In the middle of the room was a large round table.  In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.  The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They appeared to be famished.  They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.  The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.  The Lord said, “You have seen Hell.”

They went to the next room and opened the door.  It was exactly the same as the first one.  There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water.  The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.  The holy man said, “I don’t understand.”

“It is simple” said the Lord, “it requires but one skill.  You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.”  When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!

Pet Rules

PET RULES

To be posted Very Low on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here. You don’t.
  2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

  1. Eat less.
  2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
  3. Are easier to train.
  4. Usually come when called.
  5. Never drive your car.
  6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
  7. Don’t smoke or drink.
  8. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
  9. Don’t wear your clothes.
  10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and
  11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Audrey Hepburn Poem

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her “beauty tips.”  It was read at her funeral years later.  

  • For attractive lips:  speak words of kindness…
  • For lovely eyes:  seek out the good in people.
  • For a slim figure:  share your food with the hungry. 
  • For beautiful hair:  let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. 
  • For poise:  walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. 
  • People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

    As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

    If you share this with another woman, something good will happen….You will boost another woman’s self esteem, and she will know that you care about her.

For Dog Lovers

For Dog Lovers:

To: God

From: The Dog

  • Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
  • Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
  • Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not One named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” to the “Chrysler Beagle”?
  • Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
  • Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
  • Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
  • Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
  • Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
  1. I will not eat the cat’s food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
  3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
  4. The sofa is not a face towel.
  5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  7. Sticking my nose in someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “Hello”.
  8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
  9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
  10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
  11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
  12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’, so when I play with him and he make that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: If I do all these things and I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

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