Archive for February, 2008

TAKE TIME TO LIVE…..

Wish You Enough

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, ‘I love you and I wish you enough’.

The daughter replied, ‘Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom’.

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’.

‘Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’.

‘I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is – the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ she said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough’. May I ask what that means? ‘.

She began to smile. ‘That’s a wish that has been hande d down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone’. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled! even more. ‘When we said , ‘I wish you enough’, we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them’. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .

I wish you enough hellos to get you th rough the final good-bye.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

In Honor of Stupid People

Be careful of
In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer —
Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos —
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap —
“Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) —
“Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron —
“Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid —
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(…I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor —
“Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts —
“Warning: contains nuts”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw —
“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)…

Convert

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear, and when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,
“WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him, and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room, but no one wanted to room with Darrell because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Darrell and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?”

He said, “Darrell snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Darrell shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darrell into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Darrell sat up and watched me all night.”

How To Shower

I’ve read this before, but still made me LOL!!!!

Especially the men description!
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in yo u r hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and…..

woo woo!!!

oHIo Blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up to him.  She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.  When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Ohio and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

Memory Lapses

This explains the memory lapses.
When I was born God gave me two choices….

(1)…. I could either have a memory….

OR
(2)…. Be Great in bed !!! …….

Sh*t !!! …

Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

Wine?

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don’t.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service

God Sees All

null

null
God Saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendys, and Dairy Queen

null
He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, Coffee and Water

null
GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.

GOD saw you without a Good looking , adorable , FRIEND……..
so He created MEnull

null

null
null

Summary of Life

babyfrown
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

null
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

null
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

null
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

null
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

null
Share this with someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
null
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked

Money for Sex

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later th at night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year”

Fishing Luck for Ladies

These two ladies were avid anglers who often went fishing
together. One of the ladies was much more successful and
invariably would catch more fish from her side of the boat.

One day, in frustration, the other lady asked her for her secret.

She responded, “Before I get out of bed I look under the covers at my husband’s penis. If it is laying over to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If it is laying to the right I
fish off the right side of the boat.”

Her partner then asked, “What if it is standing straight up?”

She replied, “I don’t go fishing that day!”

Two Wolves

Something to ponder……….
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

Daddy – How was I born?

Daddy – How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with our Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down…You’ll love this ….

‘You got Male!’

Wishing You

Wishing You

 

In Your BusyLifestyle

Some Time for Relaxation & Reflection
Good Sleep
Good Health and Exercise
Someone to Dance With
A Bit of Adventure
Good Looks
And the Bliss of Real Love
But Most of All
I Wish You Lots of Bear Hugs.

May Many Blessings Come Your Way
May You Always Have Love to Share
Health to Spare and Friends That Care.
But Watch Out for Those Penguins.
Now share this with the People You
Consider a Friend.

Great Solution

Isn’t this the truth — and a great solution

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The Operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse”

After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back and is normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The Grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.” Thank you, Have great day

Chinese sex therapist

Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chan.

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,

So she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chan.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chan said, “OK take off all your crose.”

The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.”

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chan then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”

As she did, Dr. Chan shook his head slowly.

“Your probrem vewy bad.

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.

Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chan, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chan sighed deeply and replied,

“Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

Blue Rose in God’s Garden

Grandma Faith’s Website * Blue Rose in God’s Garden

I know you will enjoy this page as much as I did.
http://www.members.shaw.ca/faithshannon/godsgarden.htm

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,”
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, and
went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say “Fuck,” the
Rottweiler ate him.

« Previous entries