Archive for October, 2008

A Woman’s Perspective

A Woman’s Perspective

Gotta love it!!!!!!!

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor,

‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’

He addressed the man,

‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Very Interesting Stuff

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

  • In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’
  • Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden’….and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)
  • The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
  • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:  61,000
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
  • (Q) Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?   (A) Their birthplace
  • (Q) Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?(A) Obsession
  • (Q) If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?   (A) One thousand .
  • (Q) What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?  (A) All were invented by women.
  • (Q) What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?  (A) Honey
  • (Q) Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?  (A) Father’s Day
  • In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
  • Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  • At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

  • Spades – King David
  • Hearts – Charlemagne
  • Clubs -Alexander, the Great
  • Diamonds – Julius Caesar

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


U KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 200 7 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, share this with your friends. You know you want to!

You Took My Parking Space at Church

YOU TOOK MY PARKING SPACE AT CHURCH
One day, a man went to visit a church, He got there early, parked his car and got out. Another car pulled up near the driver got out and said, ‘I always park there! You took my place!’

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, ‘That’s my seat! You took my place!’ The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, ‘That’s where I always sit! You took my place!’ The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing.

Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change.

Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, ‘What happened to you?’

The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, ‘I took your place.’

When you read this, say a prayer. That’s all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is powerful. Share this with people and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe, we can get the world to start thinking of who took our place.

“You are the source of my strength, You are the strength of my life, I lift my hands in total praise to You.”

Hymn #365

Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn’t appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

Smile, life is too short not to !!
If this brightened your day
Don’t let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you at the river. ?

Read the Psalms, they cover every Human Emotion

Morning Humor

Some morning humor to get you going…

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, ‘You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.’

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.’

Cheney added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills Out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.’

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, ‘Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of y’all @sses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.’

If you’re one of those 56 million, share this one!

Who’s Your Daddy?

Who’s Your Daddy?

A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  One morning, they were
eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal.  While they were waiting for
their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting
with the guests.  The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, “I hope he doesn’t come over
here.”  But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

“Where are you folks from?”, he asked in a friendly voice.
“Oklahoma.” they answered.
“Great to have you here in Tennessee,” the stranger said.  “What do you do for a living?”
“I teach at a seminary.” the professor replied.
“Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach do you?  Well, I’ve go a really great story for you.”
And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.

The professor groaned and thought to himself, ‘Great….Just what I need…another preacher story!’

That man started, “See that mountain over there? (pointing out the window)  Not far from the base of
that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother.  He had a hard time growing up, because every
place he went, he was always asked the same question, ‘Hey boy, Who’s your daddy?’  Whether he was
at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’

He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students.  He would avoid going into stores because
that question hurt him so bad.  When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church.  He
would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’  But one
day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast that he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd.

Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his
hand on his shoulder and asked him ‘Son, who’s your daddy?’

The whole church got deathly quiet.  He could feel every eye in the church looking at him.  Now everyone
would finally know the answer to the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’

The new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy
Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy…’Wait a minute!  I know who you are!  I see
the family resemblance now, You are a child of God.’
With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, ‘Boy, you’ve got a great inheritance.  Go and claim it.’
With that the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person.  He
was never the same again.  Whenever anybody asked him, ‘Who’s your daddy?’ he’d just tell them, “I’m a
Child of God.”

The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, “Isn’t that a great story?”
The professor responded that it really was a great story.

As the man turned to leave, he said, “You know, if that new preacher hadn’t told me that I was one of
God’s children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!” and he walked away.

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned.  He called the waitress over and asked her, “Do you
know who that man was – the one who just left that was sitting at our table?”

The waitress grinned and said, “Of course.  Everybody here knows him.  That’s Ben Hooper.  He’s
governor of Tennessee!”

Does someone in your life today needs a reminder that they are one of God’s Children?

“The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever.”  Isaiah

You’re one of God’s Children!!!  Have a Blessed and Loving Day!

You have no idea which of your buddies could use a little hope today. Share.