Archive for January, 2009

Who is your real friend?

Who is your real friend?

This really works…!

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you

Ghetto Christian

GHETTO CHRISTAIN

YOU KNOW YOU A GHETTO CHRISTIAN IF…

  1. You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because you just got your hair did!
  2. You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in “YOUR” seat.
  3. You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that “God made a way out of no way”
  4. You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and leave early!!
  5. You do not lift your hand during worship because your acrylic nail is broken.
  6. You start going to church to find a good man or woman.
  7. You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
  8. The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing “your” song.
  9. You do not tithe because you say, “the preacher might be crooked and stealing the Lord’s money, so I don’t want to give it to him.”
  10. You do not tithe because, you just bought a new dress, some new shoes and, some matching earrings and you go to church broke.
  11. If you only attend church on Easter and Christmas Sunday because you want to be seen in your new clothes.
  12. If you have ever said, “Show me in the Bible where it says, thou shall not drink or smoke”.
  13. You just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then try to lead a song, get choked up, holding your throat and say to the congregation, “The devil don’t want me to sing this song.”
  14. You buy “hot” merchandise and testify the Lord blessed me with a TV, jewelry, clothes, etc.
  15. You overheard someone say, “We got fed today at service” and you asked if they served chicken.
  16. Your favorite part of the service is the Lord’s Supper and benediction.
  17. After you’ve done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don’t repent but you say, “Well the Lord knows my heart”.
  18. If you drop it like it’s hot on Saturday, can’t say “Hallelujah” on Sunday and, then you fall asleep during the sermon.
  19. If you talk about love and peace in the church and talk about everybody as soon as you leave the church.       …and last but not least…you are truly a “Ghetto Christian” if…
  20. You flirt with the preacher, sleep with the deacons, and wear that low cut dress to show your cleavage when the Brotherhood choir sings.

Always keep people in your life that charge your battery, not those who will drain it.

Poisonous Spider in Toilet

Though I found this email to be untrue at snopes: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/insects/telamonia.asp
I thought I’d share it because you never know???

NEW POISONOUS SPIDER IN THE UNITED STATES
A spider bite…………
And you thought the brown recluse was bad!!!

Three women in North Florida , turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period,
all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by
muscular collapse, paralysis, and finally, death.
There were no outward signs of trauma.
Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood.
These women did not know each other, and seemed to have
nothing in common.

It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant
(Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The health department
descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and
air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed
to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had
been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.
She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.
That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read,
drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom, and lifted the toilet seat.
Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider.
The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider’s venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp
climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.
Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital
emergency room. Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been
away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in
Singapore , before returning home. He did not visit (Olive Garden),
while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined
to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock.
Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .
The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of
the toilets of all flights from India , and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata) spider’s nests on 4 different planes!
It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country.
So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!
And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Message from Tyler Perry

Subject: I feel the same way as Tyler Perry

A Message from Tyler Perry:

This morning I awoke and was so frustrated about all
of the stuff that I’m dealing with in trying to get this studio open. I
was about to open my mouth and start complaining when I remembered something that happened to me about a year ago.

I was walking to my car when this woman who appeared
to be homeless started walking towards me. I’m ashamed to say this
but I thought, “I don’t feel like being hustled today.” Then I got
quickly convicted. I felt guilty so I started digging in my pocket for
some money. As she got closer I noticed that she had the kindest eyes that I had ever seen. As I was reaching into my pocket she started to speak. I thought, “Here goes the sales pitch”. She said “Excuse me sir, I need some shoes. Can you help me?” My eyes filled with water because I remember being out on the streets and having only one pair of run over shoes.  I was taken aback for a second.

I took her inside the studio and had my wardrobe people find shoes in her size. As she put the shoes on she started crying,  praising God and thanking Jesus, and saying, “My feet are off the ground!  My feet are off the ground!” Several of the wardrobe people started crying. I was crying. But I never forgot those word. “My feet are  off the ground!”

I thought, “Wow! All she wanted was some shoes.”  She quickly
disappeared and never asked me for a dime. I realized
that I still had the money in my hand so I went out looking for her.
She was gone just that quick so I looked all around the neighborhood for her. I found her standing on a corner looking down at her shoes, still crying. I was so touched. I asked her how she had gotten homeless. She told me that she had AIDS and that she was waiting to get into a shelter.  She said that her family had turned their backs on her and that she had no place to go, but she knew that God would make a way for her. I  said to myself, “He just did.” Her faith and her praise moved me.

I took her to a nearby hotel and put her up until she  was able to get on her feet.  I had someone that worked for me to check  on her from time to time and to make sure that she had food and clothes.
After about a month or so we lost touch, but I never forgot her.

This past summer I was shooting “Daddy’s Little Girls”  and this woman walks up to me smiling. I didn’t recognize her face,  but her eyes were familiar.  She had on a really nice dress and her hair  was done.  It was her!  She told me that the little help that I had  given her had changed her life. She was in a house now and doing very  well.

I said all of that to say this. After I met this  woman, every time I think about complaining and mumbling I remember, “My  feet are off the ground!”

I wanted to share this with you just to let you know  that when I say that I am thankful for you, I mean it. And when I say  that you are a blessing to me, I mean it.  We take so much for  granted sometimes that I just wanted all of you to know that I am  grateful to  God for you everyday.  Thank you for being in my life.

NOTE: This email was not found to be true or untrue.

Rise Above It…

Rise Above It…

I know you’ll rise above the rest, because you always do your best. Someday the time will arrive, when you’ll know you’ve passed the test. Then you’ll look back at what you’ve done, and you’ll realize how much fun you had along the way. When you reach your dreams, you’ll find that they’re even better than they seemed. You’ll realize, that the biggest reward is learning that you could do it, that you took flight and soared.

Going to Rome

Going to Rome

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said “Top of the morning to ye” aren’t ye Mrs Donovan and didn’t I marry you and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”

She replied, “Aye that ye did Father”, The Father asked, “And be there any wee ones yet?”

She replied “No, not yet Father”. The Father said, well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.

She replied “O thank you Father” and they parted ways.

Some years later they met again and the Father asked “Well now Mrs Donovan how are ye doing these days?”

She replied “O very well Father!” The Father asked ” and tell me have ye any wee ones yet?”

She replied “Oh yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all”.

The Father said “That’s wonderful and how is yer hoosband doing?”

She replied “He’s gone to Rome to blow out yer damn candle!”

I AM THANKFUL

I AM THANKFUL:

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT’S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. .

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL

BECAUSE   IT MEANS
I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

An Atheist In The Woods

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods and said
to himself,

“What majestic trees!”

“What powerful rivers!”

“What beautiful animals!”

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look
and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
was right on top of him, reaching for hi m with his
left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At
that instant, the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came
out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit
creation to cosmic accident. “Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light and
said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask
You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,…
You could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very Well,” said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head, and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive
from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Disorder in the American Courts

Note: The following has not been validated.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead a t the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Grandma’s Hands

Grandma’s Hands

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. “Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,” she said in a clear strong voice.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,” I explained to her.

“Have you ever looked at your hands,” she asked. “I mean really looked at your hands?”

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

“Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

“They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

“They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.

“They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand.

“They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

“These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.”

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma’s hands and led her home.

When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

Let’s continue praying for one another.

The Pastor and His Son

The Pastor and His Son

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

Asked his father, who was a minister,

if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up, study your bible a little,

and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked

his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you.

You have brought your grades up, and studied your

bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied,

“You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that.

You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,

Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes my son…

and they walked everywhere they went!”

Ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.  Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.

He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”

“That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer, “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”  So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned.  Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.  Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant.  She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.  So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour.  Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly.  She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.  “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried, “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…..

“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”

Quick Thinking

Quick Thinking

Wish I could think so quickly. . . .
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Women Drivers

Women Drivers

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it – no matter which sex you are.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in Cadillac Doing 75 mph With her Face, up next to her rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.

But she scared me so much —

I Dropped my electric shaver,

Which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,

It knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which Fell, into the coffee between my legs,

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers, and

Disconnected an important call.

DAMM WOMAN DRIVERS!

Where Would You Be?

Where Would You Be?

Colonoscopy – Who’s in Charge

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood ,’Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach, ‘ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs, ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’


‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

”I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work…

The asshole is usually in charge!

If you don’t share this with at least 8 people….who gives a Shit.

Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you’re going to smile
when you think of this………

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

‘Do you know how they make these gloves? ‘ he asked.

‘No, I don’t’ she replied.

‘Well, ‘ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. ‘

She didn’t crack a smile.
‘Oh, well. I tried, ‘ he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

‘ What’s so funny? ‘ he asked.

‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Nurse’s Heart Attack Experience

NURSE’S HEART ATTACK EXPERIENCE

This has been  passed on from an ER nurse and is the best description of this event that she had ever heard. Please read, pay attention, and share this!

FEMALE HEART ATTACKS

I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I’ve ever read.

Women and heart attacks (Myocardial Infarction).  Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack .. you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in the movies.  Here is the story of one woman’s experience with a heart attack.

I had a heart attack at about 10 :30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might’ve brought it on.
I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking,  ‘A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.

A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you’ve been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you’ve swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn’t have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation—the only trouble was that I hadn’t taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m.

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR).

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws.  ‘AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening — we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven’t we?  I said aloud to myself and the cat, ‘Dear God, I think I’m having a heart attack!’

I lowered the footrest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn’t be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else … but, on the other hand, if I don’t, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics .. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn’t feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts.  She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.

I unlocked the door and then lay down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don’t remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like  ‘Have you taken any medications?” but I couldn’t make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer,  and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stents to hold open my right coronary artery.

I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents.

Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail?  Because I want all of  you to know what I learned first hand.

1.  Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men’s symptoms but  inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act).  It is said that many more  women than men die of their first (and last) MI  because they didn’t know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they’ll feel better in the morning when they wake up … which doesn’t happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you’ve not felt before. It is better to have a ‘false alarm’ visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2.  Note that I said ”Call the Paramedics.” And if you can,  take an aspirin.  Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!  Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER you are a hazard  to others on the road. Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding  and looking anxiously at what’s happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor — he doesn’t know where you  live and if it’s at night you won’t reach him anyway, and if it’s daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will  tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn’t carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3.   Don’t assume it couldn’t be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count.  Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it’s unbelievably high and/or accompanied  by high blood pressure). MI’s are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the  body,  which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there.
Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.
Let’s be careful and be aware. The more we know,  the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says, if everyone who gets this email sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we’ll save at least one life.

Atheist Holy Day

Atheist Holy Day

You must read this…………..a proper decision by the courts……….for a change. Gotta love this judge!!!!

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge.

After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case Dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor,how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture! This is too good not to share.

However, according to Snopes.com this is an untrue story: http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/atheist.asp

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

  1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.
  2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom..   Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
  3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
  4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
  5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Marijuana’
  6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
  7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
  9. Sing Along At The Opera.
  10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache…
  11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
  12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’
  13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
  14. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity                                                                                       PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

« Previous entries