What if God decided to install voice mail?

What if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing this:

  • Press 1 for English
  • Press 2 for Spanish
  • Press 3 for any other language

Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:

  • Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS
  • Press 2 for THANKSGIVING
  • Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
  • Press 4 for HEALING
  • Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS
  • Press 6 for RAIN
  • Press 7 for “JUST SAYING HI!”
  • Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS (good luck; we just guess, too)
  • Press 0 for this to begin again

What if God used these familiar excuses:

  • “I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now.
  • However, Your prayer is important to us, Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.”

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer?

  • If you’d like to speak to God, press 1
  • If you’d like to speak to Jesus, press 2
  • If you’d like to speak to Holy Spirit, press 3
  • “If you would like to speak to Gabriel, Press 11.
  • For Michael, Press 22.
  • For a directory of other Archangels, Press 33.”
  • For a directory of Seraphim and Cherubim, Press 44.
  • If you’d like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55, and then wait for the beep, and then enter the number of the Psalm.
  • To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 77, enter his/her social security number, then press the pound (#) key, then enter date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. If you received a negative answer, hang up and dial code 666.
  • For reservations in one of the Many Mansions, press the letters J-O-H-N, then 3-1-6.
  • For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the Earth, Dinosaurs, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, UFO’s, life on other planets; please wait until you arrive here. Those questions can be understood only from a “heavenly perspective.”
  • Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
  • This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:30am, but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
  • Please call again soon, but never on Sunday. That is OUR day of rest.
  • The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
  • If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact you local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.


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