Archive for August, 2009

Good Health Advice

How To Avoid The Bird, Swine, and Plain ‘Ole

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.



Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day..

Go for a swim..

Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.

If you can’t wash them,

Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach..

Think about it…

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol… Why??

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..

So…….

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Margarita ..(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary.. (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio.. (fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh.. (eliminate stress)

Then take a nap.. (rest)

The way I see it…

If you keep your alcohol levels up

Flu germs

Can’t get you!

My grandmother always said…

‘A shot in the glass

Is better than one in the ass!’

Live Well – Laugh Often – Love Much

3 Old Ladies – A Detective Story

3 Old Ladies – A Detective Story

So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park.

The game is real exciting

and they are enjoying themselves immensely..

mixing the Jack Daniel’s with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some More!

Answer:

It’s the bottom of the fifth and…

The bags are loaded!

Golf Lesson From Above

Golf Lesson From Above

Catholic or not you’ll laugh at this one:


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. “Shit, I missed.”

“Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.”

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

“Shit, I missed.”

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes

out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .

“Shit, I missed.”

Scottish Colonoscopy Video

New and hysterically funny – if you have had a colonoscopy!

Click here/copy link:

http://mcg-pe.com/Documents/Scottish%20Colonoscopy.wmv

The Frog and The Golfer

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

“What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit KissMe.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God…

…or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Your Age By Chocolate Math

Chocolate Math

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (2 to 9).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 (I’ll wait while you get the calculator).

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759. If you haven’t, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!

Prayer For Our President

I take no credit or claim to this image it was found on: http://www.blackbusinessspace.com/group/weprayfortheobamafamily

I take no credit or claim to this image it was found on: http://www.blackbusinessspace.com/group/weprayfortheobamafamily

What’s Really For Dinner

One day I had a date with friends for lunch. Mae, a little old “blue hair” about 80 years old, came along with them—all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.”

I wasn’t sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn’t enjoy mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait.
I smiled. She asked if she amused me.
I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible? She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, “I’m tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life’s so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven’t been this old before.”
“So, before I die, I’ve got to try those things that for years I had ignored.
I haven’t smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven’t read. There’s more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven’t shopped. I’ve not laughed at all the jokes. I’ve missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven’t cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I’d say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart’s desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired.”

With that, I called the waitress over.. “I’ve changed my mind, ” I said. “I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!”

This is my gift to you – We need an annual Friends Day!

Live well, love much & laugh often ~ Be happy.

Share this with your friends.

Be mindful that happiness isn’t based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relation-ships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks,  CHOCOLATE SINGS!

What Religion Is Your Bra?

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘

‘ What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’

‘ Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.’

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts t he fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there…
{C} Can’t Complain!..
{D} Dang!…
{DD} Double dang!…
{E} Enormous!…
{F} Fake…
{G} Get a Reduction…
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!…

Share this with all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

Wooden Leg Insurance

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri from Texas .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas, it cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to Insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a Sprinkler system above it, is $39.

You just have to know how to describe It!’

Guaranteed To Make You Smile

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………..Cherry
Yellow……………..Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Burnt Biscuits

Burnt Biscuits

When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.  And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.  On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad.  I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!  Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.  I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said:  “Baby, I love burned biscuits.”

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.  He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired.  And besides – a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!”

You know, life is full of imperfect things…..and imperfect people.  I’m not the best housekeeper or cook.  What I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults – and choosing to celebrate each others differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.”

B.A.D.

B.A.D.

While shopping, a woman spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B..A.D.

Being the person that she was (curious), she stopped the man and asked,

“What does B.A.D. Stand for?” And trust me; you’ll be amazed at what his response was.

He replied B.A.D. Stands for: “Blessed And Delivered”.

That thought stuck with her as she finished doing her shopping that day.

So she came up with a little advice for you today.

  1. When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
  2. When things don’t seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D.
  3. When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
  4. When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.

Get with somebody who you know that you can be B.A.D. With!!!

May God Bless You And Have a B.A.D. Day!

Any person that can kneel before God can stand before anything.

Now share this with the people who you know won’t mind being B.A.D.