Archive for October, 2009

Friends

Southern Dating

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car …

… with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says, “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks, “And her … what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania . Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Iraq……ruled by a dick.

Two Guys In Lowe’s

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that.
I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going’.

The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?’

The young guy says, ‘She’s 24, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?’

The old timer says. .. ‘Doesn’t matter —let’s look for yours.’

Most of us old timers are helpful like that.

The Rabbi’s Salary

There was a young rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,”Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”

Satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches

How to satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches?

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

I’d like to be six again

she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked

Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The Potty

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET

SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF

ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”

BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T

GONE ‘POOPY’ YET.”

MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW
MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU
HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”

Paddy

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and Oi’ll

See what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’

‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2009! We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ‘sposed to pick them up !!!

Dog Training Tip

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,

“Why don’t you just put it in Park?”

Daily Chuckle in Bed

I figured you should have breakfast in bed on you special day

Can You Reach The Stove Okay?

If You Are Worried About Alzheimer’s

Sit comfortably and be calm. Put your thinking process aside. Put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I was assured this is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I’m only sending this to my ‘old’ friends.


I love to see you smile.

Email About Mail Server Report

VERY IMPORTANT , PLEASE READ THIS

Anyone-using Internet mail such as Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on.   This information arrived this morning, Direct from both Microsoft and Norton Please share this with everybody you know who has Access to the Internet. You may receive an apparently harmless e-mail titled ‘Mail Server Report’
If you open either file, a message will appear on your screen saying: ‘It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful…’

Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC, And the person who sent it to you will gain access to your Name, e-mail and password.   This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon.   AOL has already confirmed the severity, and the anti virus software’s are not capable of destroying it..

The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself ‘life owner’.

We Pick-up Speed Once We Get Over The Hill

Remember, once you get over the hill, you’ll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren’t for STRESS, I’d have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don’t have any film.

I always know God won’t give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Jury Duty Scam

It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the Scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois , and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.
Check it out here:
http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm <http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm>

And here at snopes: http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp <http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp>

It’s true!  Please make sure and pass this on!