Archive for August, 2010

Tonight by Toby Mac

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Stuck in the middle

It’s a great day dog video

Observations on Maturing

It’s harder to tell navy from black.

Your kids are becoming you … and you don’t like them! … but your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good….. Coming home is better.

When people say you look “Great”, they add “for your age.”

When you needed the discount you had to pay full price. Now you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights… and you don’t feel like going.

You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you..

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything… especially golf..

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married. Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

Who wants to wear 3″ heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

You use more 4 letter words… “what?”, “when?”

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

Many of the people in People Magazine you’ve never heard of.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he’d find a job.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet… 2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, best of all: OLD FRIENDS.

Thanks for being one of mine!  And, if I’ve posted this before, it is because I am OLD!

Never Wash Your Hands Guido

>

Eagle on Black

It’ll take him four hours to do one hand. He then  photographs it for posterity. I cannot imagine how he does it, the eyes are so remarkably  lifelike. It took him 10 hours to do the two-handed Eagle picture.

Parrot on Black

Dog Dalmation

Giraffe

Iguana

SO VERY BEAUTIFUL!

SO MUCH TALENT!!

Blondes are the best

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor’s dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is
still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like
it!"


 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’


 

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?’

‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought,
‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…I’m not shooting myself in the
chest.’

‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,
‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in
the mouth.’

‘So then?’

‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought,
‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing
into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the
windows first.’


These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She
was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask
what it was.

The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, and cold
things cold.’

‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought
the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?

‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’
she replied.

Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

The blonde replied……’Two Popsicles and some coffee.’


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.’

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest.’

‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have
the best chance of doing that here.’

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office
and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too!’

Blondes Are The Best!!!

 

Playing With The Moon

 

 

Playing With The Moon

 

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane. 
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
– Irish Blessing

The Thingy

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

  • AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP THEM.
  • AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
  • FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
  • A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
  • IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
  • YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
  • IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

Some people are like slinkies === their not good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs

Elderly Bats

3 Ducks Go To A Bar

Three little ducks go into a Bar…….

‘Say, what’s your name?’ the bartender asked the first duck.

‘Huey,’ was the reply.

‘How’s your day been, Huey?’

‘Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?’ said Huey.

‘Oh. That’s nice,’ said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, ‘Hi, and what’s your name?’

‘Dewey,’ came the answer from duck number two.

‘So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?’ he asked.

‘Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?’

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, ‘So, you must be Louie?’

‘No,’ she said, batting her eyelashes.

‘My name is Puddles.’

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man’s private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s…

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

This one made me laugh out loud!

THE SNEEZE

I think this is awesome!!!

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements, not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!

The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,

‘GOD BLESS YOU’

And he walked off the stage…

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God’s blessing on their future with or without the court’s approval.

Isn’t this a wonderful story? Share it with all your friends………and

GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

This is a true story; it happened at Eastern Shore District High School in Musquodoboit Harbour, Nova Scotia.

I hope this goes around Canada…and the USA….and the rest of the world!!!

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, ‘This is amazing.  How do you do it at your age?’

The old man grinned and said, ‘You got to keep the old motor running.’

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, ‘Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?’

The old man grinned and said, ‘You gotta keep the old motor running.’

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, ‘Well, you surely are something else!
How do you do it?’

The old man replied, ‘It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.’

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

“Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.”

Locker Room Recipe

Locker Room Recipe

A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.

‘Damn, Bob, you’re hung!’ Jim exclaims..
‘I wasn’t always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.’

‘What do you mean?’ Jim asked.

‘Well, every day for the past two years
I’ve spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.

‘Jim agrees and the two depart’

A few months later the two are back in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.

Jim replied, ‘I did what you said, Bob ,
But I’ve actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!’

‘Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?’

‘Well, we don’t use butter, so I’ve
Been using Crisco.’

Wait for it ……….

Wait ………..

You know it’s coming…

Crisco!!’ Bob exclaimed. ‘

Damm it, Jim,

Crisco is shortening!


MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe & Men don’t listen!

Boater’s Accident – Chilling!

Boater Moments before Death!

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE

OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)

Blood Transfusions

American Medical Association researchers have found that…

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.


It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

(heh heh… just thought you’d like to know…)

Bee in the gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, ‘What seems to be the problem?’
‘I’m out of gas,’ the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

‘Try it now,’ said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. ‘

Wow!’ the man exclaimed, ‘what did you put in my gas tank’?

The bee answered,

Wait for it. wait for it.

You’re just gonna love this.

I see you smiling…….

Bitches to the end

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.” The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS .” The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

I had an accident dear husband

Darling Husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let  you know about the Small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly  bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when It bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I am  enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms  again.

Your loving wife.

XX

P.S.

Your girlfriend phoned.

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