Archive for February, 2011

Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are  $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back  and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in  the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with  my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise  him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Farting at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s…she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it…

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts…

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near…

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well…Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.

He politely greets the lady with, “Good Day, Madam, How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed here little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of the lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it — you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Three Ladies in a Sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.  The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager”, she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone.  I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech.  Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end…
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said….”Well, will you look at that…I’m getting a fax!!”

When you stop laughing, share this with those who will appreciate it.
LOL — Gotta love the old gals!

Sisterhood of the Traveling Butterflies

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

 

 

 

Jobs come and go.  Love waxes and wanes.

 

Men don’t do what they’re supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT………

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

 

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.

 

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you… Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

 

The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Share this with all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did.

 

There are more than twenty angels in this world.

Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds. Nine are playing..

And one is reading her email at this moment.