Archive for August, 2011

Hug Certificate

 

This Is A Hug Certificate – Just for You

If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you

And share with you its beauty

On the days you’re feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own;

A place to find serenity,

A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea,

But all these things, I’m finding,

Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain

Or catch a rainbow fair,

But let me be what I know best,

A friend who’s always there..

Lena and Ole

LENA and OLE —

Lena is pregnant with Ole’s child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole

and says, ‘I tink it’s time!’

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

tractor and took her

to the hospital to have their

first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor

looked over at Ole and

said, ‘A son! Ain’t dat Great!

‘ Well, Ole got excited by dis,

but yust den the doctor spoke

up and said,

‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!

‘ The doctor den held up

a little girl.. He said, ‘Hey, Ole!

You got you a daughter!

‘ She’s a pretty little ting, too.’

Ole got kind of puzzled by this,

an then the doctor said,

‘Holey Moley, Ole we still ain’t

done yet!’ The doctor then

delivered another boy and said,

Ole, you yust had yourself

another boy!’

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought

Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked

Lena , ‘How come we got tree on

the first try?’

Lena said, ‘You remember dat night

we ran out of Vaseline and You vent

out in the garage and got dat dere

3-in-1 Oil?’

Ole said, ‘Yeah, I do.. Uffda!

It’s a darn good ting I didn’t get

the WD-40.

Bad day at work …… think of this guy

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real!

Next time you have a bad day at work …… think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ..

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below…

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit.  This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt

started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Male Sensitivity

Male sensitivity, you ask? Yes, there really is such a thing.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together–It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her”.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes”, answered the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck…

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full..

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

‘I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.’

The old woman smiled, ‘Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?’

‘That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.’

For two years I have been able

to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

 

Without you being just the way you are,

 

there would not be this beauty to grace the house.’

 

Each of us has our own unique flaw.

 

But it’s the cracks and flaws

 

we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding..

You’ve just got to take each person

for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my cracked pot friends,

have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

And send this to

 

any or all of your Cracked Pot friends

Don’t forget the Cracked Pot that sent it to you!!

Another Blonde Joke :)

A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “Do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blondes car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. “What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”

 

A Blonde Moment

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The blonde said it was hers. ‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said. The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin.’

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

(You gotta love this)

 

 

The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

Goats 1, 2, and 4

At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank – they

let three goats loose in the school.

But, before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of

the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are….

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked  for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut!

 

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Women Know Their Place

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN