Archive for September, 2011

Guts and Balls

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:  ‘Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’

 

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

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The Value of a # 2 Pencil and A Catholic Education

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’

When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good’, and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. ‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.

Lipstick in Catholic Schools

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night .. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers…. and then there are educators !

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

Morning Delight

“Morning Delight”

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

 

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming,

or this is going to be my lucky day!”

 

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her

and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

 

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Women Wearing Leather

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

 

Ever wonder why?

 

It’s because she smells like a new Truck.

Investing

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you’d have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you’d have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you’d have $0 today.

But, If you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for deposit  you’d have $214 today.  So the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.  It’s called the 401-KEG Plan!!!

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

If tomorrow starts without me,

And I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

 

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn’t get to say.

 

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you’ll miss me too;

 

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

 

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I’d have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

 

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I’d always thought,

I didn’t want to die.

 

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

 

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all that we shared,

And all the fun we had.

 

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I’d say good-bye and hug you

And maybe see you smile.

 

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

 

And when I thought of worldly things

I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

 

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

 

He said, “This is eternity,

And all I’ve promised you.

Today your life on earth is past,

But here life starts anew.

 

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day is the same way,

There’s no longing for the past. “

 

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I’m right there, in your heart.

 

– David M. Romano

God’s Wife

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, ‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’

‘I was asking God to give me a pair of Shoes,’was the boy’s reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks… Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him… She patted him on the head and said, ‘No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

‘Are you God’s wife?’

Most Caring Kid

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child:

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.

****************

Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family.

One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

****************

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?” Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

“Oh, no!” the little girl replied.

“Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

****************

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

“We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile.

“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”

“Discouraged?” the boy, asked with a puzzled look on is face,

“Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”

****************

Whenever I’m disappointed with in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.

Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement:

“Guess what Mom,” he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me:

“I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.”

****************

A lesson in “heart” is my little, 10-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time.

She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in “field day” – that’s where they have lots of races and other competitive events.

Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this get her down – but before I could get a word out, she said “Daddy, I won two of the races!”

I couldn’t believe it! And then Sarah said, “I had an advantage.”

Ah. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a head start…

some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could say anything,

she said, “Daddy, I didn’t get a head start… My advantage was I had to try harder!”

Pole Dancer – First Grade Drawing

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Business Is Business

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.”

Blonde comment on lawn

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with pallets of sod.

 

 

“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced Blonde #1.

 

 

“Do what?” asked Blonde #2.

 

 

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

How Many Women Have You Slept With?

WHEN …

My wife asked me,

“How many women have you slept with?”

 

I proudly replied,

“Only you, Darling, with all the others,  I was awake.”

 

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM