Archive for July, 2012

Texting Shortcuts for Seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW:

Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU:   Can’t get up

CU@TSC:   See You At The Senior Center

DWI:   Driving While Incontinent

FWBB:   Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:   Forgot Where I Was

FYI:   Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:   Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:   Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:   Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:   Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO:   Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:   Living On Lipitor

LWO:   Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR:   On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:   Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL… CGU:   Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL:   Talk To You Louder

WAITT:   Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:   Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI:  Gotta Go Laxative (Lasix) Kicking In)

The Blonde and a Cow

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, ‘Tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail for?’

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, ‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

( It’s nice to see a blond win once in awhile.)

Chinese Feng Shui Horoscope

This is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.. If you are honest this tells the truth.

Write your answers on paper.

To find your Feng Shui horoscope scroll down.

1. Which is your favorite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a Wish (a realistic one)

When you are done, scroll down. Don’t cheat!

Answers:

1. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back..
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great; you will find your soul mate.

4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5 This person should be your Best Friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time.

7. If you choose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person.

8. If you choose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Creating Husbands — Last One

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world………


……then He made the earth round.

Two Little Bad Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God? Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!” 
PLEASE DON’T LAUGH ALONE — Share it.

The Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the motor. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at the damned thing to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope a while – it’ll come back to you.”

Shampoo Warning

PLEASE READ!  This is REALLY important!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
YOU NEED TO READ THIS. DON’T DELETE IT BEFORE READING!
I HAVE JUST RECEIVED THIS WARNING!

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

“FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone

I’ll be in the shower!

Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas..

3. I take my wife everywhere….but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

23 Simple Adult Truths

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to  restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses  begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you  still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from  cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear  them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Brit Humour

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.  They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
============================================
During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so CrimeWatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.  They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
============================================

During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so CrimeWatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research… This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Generation Y

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called
The Baby Boomers

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called
Generation X

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?:

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below…

Generation Y

New Wine For Seniors

New hybrid grape acts as an anti-diuretic

 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

 

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

 

The new wine will be marketed as…

 

  Pino More

 

 

We Heard It Through The Grapevine.

Forgiveness: Sand and Stone

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything wrote in the sand:

Today my best friend slapped me in the face.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning—but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near-drowning, he wrote on a stone:

Today my best friend saved my life.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone. Why?”

The other friend replied: “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

The Student That Got a 0% on His Exam

This Student Got a 0% on His Exam  —   I would have given him 100%.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch and dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem: he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

A few witticisms

  • It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • You aren’t drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “smart.”
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
  • When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes, Use Birth Control
  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  • Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A good thing about Alzheimer’s is that you get to meet new people every day.
  • You know why a banana is like a politician? When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he’s rotten..
  • Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

No sex since 1955

A Marine Sergeant Major was a guest at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young and idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major.

 

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

 

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”

 

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

 

Trying to move the conversation along, the young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her and said nothing that suggested a lighter mood.

 

Finally the young lady said, “You know, don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

 

“1955, ma’am.”

 

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious.

You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

 

She took his hand and led him upstairs to a bedroom where she “relaxed” him several times.

 

Afterwards, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

 

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, “I hope not, ma’am. It’s only 2130 now.”

Always thinking

The old professor visited his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seemed fine.

 

The doctor proceeded to ask him about his sex life. “Well, “the professor drawled, “not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.

 

In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!” “My goodness, and at your age too,” the doctor commented.

 

“I hope you at least took some precautions.” “Yep. I may be old, but I’m not senile yet, Doc. I gave ’em all a phony name and phone number.”

Clearly–Lorraine

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

 

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

 

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

 

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

 

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

 

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

 

She said, ‘I have some really great news!’

 

I said, ‘Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.’

 

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

 

I knew she’d been trying for a while so I told her, ‘That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!’

Then she said, ‘There’s more’

 

I asked, ‘What do you mean there’s more?’

 

She said, ‘Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!’

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

 

She said….

‘Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam’s Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!’

 

« Previous entries