Archive for August, 2012

Trust

Me (in a tizzy) : God, can I ask you something?

GOD: Sure.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad?

GOD: I promise.

Me (frustrated): Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?

GOD: What do you mean?

Me: Well I woke up late,

GOD: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start,

GOD: Okay….

Me (growling): At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait

GOD: Hmmmm..

Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call

GOD: All right

Me (loudly): And to top it all off, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn’t work. Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?

GOD: Well let me see….. the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me (humbled): Oh…

GOD: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that might have hit you if you were on the road

Me (ashamed): …………

GOD: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work

Me (embarrassed): Oh…..

GOD: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered

Me (softly): I see God

GOD: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m sorry God.

GOD: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust me………in all things, the good and the bad

Me: I WILL trust you God

GOD: And don’t doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.

GOD: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children.

Scriptural References: II Samuel 22:31, Proverbs 3:5, Hebrews 2:13

 

Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.”

Key Ring Holder Danger

There is a syndicate of criminals presenting themselves as sales promoters who are giving free key-rings holders at gas stations or parking lots.

The key ring has a tracking device chip which allows them to follow you.

Please, please don’t accept them. They select their seemingly well-to-do potential victims, and if you accept, then you will be in for their tricks.

The key holders are very beautiful to resist accepting, but remember you may end up paying more than the key holder, including the risk to your life. Please advise your family members, email contacts, and friends as well.

Clerk of Court

 

Hot and Cold Sex

 

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’

 

‘In fact, I do.’ said the old man. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

 

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?’

 

“Oh, that crazy old coot” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

 

Forty Years of Marriage – Careful What You Wish

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband’.

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me’.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female….

Happy Monday

No, really I meant…

 

Lapse in Communication

Tortoise & Hare

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

“Are you the owner?”

 

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

 

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

 

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

 

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

 

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

 

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

 

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

 

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

 

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

 

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

 

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

 

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

 

Pharmacist: “We sure do..”

 

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

 

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

 

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

 

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

 

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Lie Detector Test

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it on his son at supper.

“Where were you last night?” the father asks.

“I was at the library.” Robot slaps the son.

“OK I was at a friend’s house.”

“Doing what?” asked the father.

“Watching a movie, Toy Story.”

Robot slaps the son.

“OK it was porn!” cried the son.

Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!!!”

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says “He certainly is your son!”

Robot slaps the mother.

Tax Time

Tax time

 

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs

to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few

questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then

asks,”What’s your occupation?”

 

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase

that.”

 

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

 

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken

farmer.”

 

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?”

 

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

 

“Chicken Farmer it is.”

Change Your Thinking

I’ve probably already posted this one and you may have already read it, but it really can make a difference – if we stop a moment and change the way we think about and see things:

 

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

 

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

 

His bed was next to the room’s only window.

 

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

 

The men talked for hours on end.

 

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

 

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

 

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

 

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

 

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

 

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

 

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

 

Although the other man could not hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

 

Days, weeks and months passed.

 

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

 

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

 

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

 

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

 

It faced a blank wall.

 

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

 

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

 

She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’

 

 

 

Epilogue:

 

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

 

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

 

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.

 

‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.’

 

 

I pray you will forward it to all your friends to whom you wish God’s blessings.

 

Irish Luck

Irish Luck –

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

 

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death

 

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

 

‘I want to repay you,’ said the nobleman. ‘You saved my son’s life.’

 

‘No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,’ the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

 

‘Is that your son?’ the nobleman asked.

‘Yes,’ the farmer replied proudly.

 

‘I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.’ And that he did.

 

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

 

Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

 

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

 

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son’s name?

 

Sir Winston Churchill.

 

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

 

Work like you don’t need the money.

 

Love like you’ve never been hurt.

 

Dance like nobody’s watching.

 

Sing like nobody’s listening.

 

Live like it’s Heaven on Earth.

 

 

 

Irish Friendship Wish

 

May there always be work for your hands to do;

 

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

 

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

 

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

 

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

 

And may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR

TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, ‘What’s the story?’

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY,

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’