Tortoise & Hare

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

“Are you the owner?”

 

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

 

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

 

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

 

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

 

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

 

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

 

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

 

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

 

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

 

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

 

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

 

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

 

Pharmacist: “We sure do..”

 

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

 

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

 

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

 

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

 

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Lie Detector Test

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it on his son at supper.

“Where were you last night?” the father asks.

“I was at the library.” Robot slaps the son.

“OK I was at a friend’s house.”

“Doing what?” asked the father.

“Watching a movie, Toy Story.”

Robot slaps the son.

“OK it was porn!” cried the son.

Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!!!”

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says “He certainly is your son!”

Robot slaps the mother.

Tax Time

Tax time

 

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs

to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few

questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then

asks,”What’s your occupation?”

 

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase

that.”

 

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

 

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken

farmer.”

 

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?”

 

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

 

“Chicken Farmer it is.”

Change Your Thinking

I’ve probably already posted this one and you may have already read it, but it really can make a difference – if we stop a moment and change the way we think about and see things:

 

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

 

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

 

His bed was next to the room’s only window.

 

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

 

The men talked for hours on end.

 

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

 

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

 

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

 

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

 

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

 

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

 

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

 

Although the other man could not hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

 

Days, weeks and months passed.

 

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

 

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

 

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

 

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

 

It faced a blank wall.

 

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

 

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

 

She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’

 

 

 

Epilogue:

 

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

 

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

 

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.

 

‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.’

 

 

I pray you will forward it to all your friends to whom you wish God’s blessings.

 

Irish Luck

Irish Luck –

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

 

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death

 

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

 

‘I want to repay you,’ said the nobleman. ‘You saved my son’s life.’

 

‘No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,’ the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

 

‘Is that your son?’ the nobleman asked.

‘Yes,’ the farmer replied proudly.

 

‘I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.’ And that he did.

 

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

 

Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

 

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

 

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son’s name?

 

Sir Winston Churchill.

 

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

 

Work like you don’t need the money.

 

Love like you’ve never been hurt.

 

Dance like nobody’s watching.

 

Sing like nobody’s listening.

 

Live like it’s Heaven on Earth.

 

 

 

Irish Friendship Wish

 

May there always be work for your hands to do;

 

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

 

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

 

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

 

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

 

And may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR

TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, ‘What’s the story?’

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY,

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’

Texting Shortcuts for Seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW:

Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU:   Can’t get up

CU@TSC:   See You At The Senior Center

DWI:   Driving While Incontinent

FWBB:   Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:   Forgot Where I Was

FYI:   Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:   Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:   Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:   Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:   Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO:   Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:   Living On Lipitor

LWO:   Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR:   On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:   Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL… CGU:   Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

TTYL:   Talk To You Louder

WAITT:   Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA:   Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:   Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI:  Gotta Go Laxative (Lasix) Kicking In)

The Blonde and a Cow

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, ‘Tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail for?’

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, ‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

( It’s nice to see a blond win once in awhile.)

Chinese Feng Shui Horoscope

This is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.. If you are honest this tells the truth.

Write your answers on paper.

To find your Feng Shui horoscope scroll down.

1. Which is your favorite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a Wish (a realistic one)

When you are done, scroll down. Don’t cheat!

Answers:

1. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back..
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great; you will find your soul mate.

4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5 This person should be your Best Friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time.

7. If you choose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person.

8. If you choose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Creating Husbands — Last One

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world………


……then He made the earth round.

Two Little Bad Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God? Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!” 
PLEASE DON’T LAUGH ALONE — Share it.

The Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the motor. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at the damned thing to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope a while – it’ll come back to you.”

Shampoo Warning

PLEASE READ!  This is REALLY important!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
YOU NEED TO READ THIS. DON’T DELETE IT BEFORE READING!
I HAVE JUST RECEIVED THIS WARNING!

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

“FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone

I’ll be in the shower!

Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas..

3. I take my wife everywhere….but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

23 Simple Adult Truths

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to  restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses  begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you  still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from  cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear  them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Brit Humour

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.  They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
============================================
During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so CrimeWatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.  They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
============================================

During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,

so CrimeWatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “what’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research… This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Generation Y

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called
The Baby Boomers

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called
Generation X

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?:

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below…

Generation Y

New Wine For Seniors

New hybrid grape acts as an anti-diuretic

 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

 

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

 

The new wine will be marketed as…

 

  Pino More

 

 

We Heard It Through The Grapevine.

Newer entries » · « Older entries