Posts Tagged ‘funnies’

Learning Cell Phone Etiquette

Learning Cell Phone Etiquette :

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Observations on Growing Older

Today is the Oldest You’ve ever been, Yet the Youngest you’ll ever be, so Enjoy this day while it lasts.

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..

Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”…they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

Now you get discounts on everything…

movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

~Remember when your mother said,

“Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,

“I hope my kids GET married…

Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem …..

were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words …

“what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,

but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P..M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …

you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet …

2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:

old songs,

old movies,

And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!



Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!

 

The New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

Now The Alphabet: 

A’s
for arthritis; 

B’s the bad back, 

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? 

D is for dental decay and decline, 

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!  

F is for farting and fluid retention, 

G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention. 

H is for high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; 

I is for incisions with scars you can show. 

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, 

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L‘s for libido, what happened to sex? 

M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 

O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! 

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! 

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; 

V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

W for worry, now what’s going ’round? 

X is for X ray, and what might be found. 

Y for another year I’m left here behind, 

Z is for zest I still have – in my mind! 


I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
 

HAVE A GREAT DAY!