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Childbirth

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”

If you don’t laugh at this one, there’s no hope for you .
Happy Monday!  🙂

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple  decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the  problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home,  get a cherry bomb,  (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,  put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the  doctor.

So the man went home , lit a cherry  bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri,  Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

The Republican

This little old lady calls 911. When the Operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Republican on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”

“What?” the operator exclaimed. “I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird;  I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.

“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Republican?”

“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he’d be screwing somebody!

Words of Wisdom

SOME SEX ADVISE AND OTHER WORDS OF WISDOM FROM CELEBRITIES

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday  night.”
~ Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual  arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes- Benz 380SL.”
~ Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
~ Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight  are unimportant.”
~ George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole  relationship.
~ Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black  men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
~ Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
~ Jack Nicholson

” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he  lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s  genitals through his wallet.”
~ Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
~  Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of  other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of  course, men are just grateful.”
~ Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men  are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause  severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
~ Dustin Hoffman

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and  only enough blood to run one at a time.”
~ Robin Williams

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural  experiences money can buy.”
~ Steve Martin

” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get  older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged  woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
~ Elmo Phillips

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting  married.”
~ George Burns

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex Positions. One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your Sister’s’.
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”

Sex in Florida

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?” The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.  The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!

The original computer

The original computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ……..

……. You just hoped nobody ever found out!!