Archive for Funnies

Diapers

DIAPERS

 

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering
why  baby diapers have brand names such as
“Luvs”,  “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while
undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
 
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv ’em, Hug ’em and Pamper ’em.
 
When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends”
on who’s in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your
mind.

Maxine comments on winter and more

Cute Animals and Kids with captions

CatKidMine

CatMath

ChiBadLuckThink

DogMenWomen

DogToyShred1

DogToyShred2

KidBun

KidNoonNap

KidsGamesOn

 

PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD

I’m sure  you will enjoy this. I  never knew one word in the English language that  could be a noun, verb, adj, adv,  prep.
UP
 
Read until the end…you’ll laugh.
 

This two-letter word in English has  more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is’UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj],  [n]  or [v].
 
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top  of the list, but when we awaken in the morning,  why do we wake UP?
 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?   Why  do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is  a toss UP)  and why is it UP to the  secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a  room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the  kitchen.  We lock UP the house and  fix UP the old car.
 
At other times, this little word has real special  meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line UP  for  tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
 
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special..
 
And this UP is confusing: A drain  must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
 
We open UP a store in  the morning but we close it UP at  night.  We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP!
 
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in  the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it
takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can  add UP to about thirty definitions.
 
If you are UP to it, you might  try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP   a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a  hundred or more.
 
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.   When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
 
Oh . . .
         one more thing: What is the  first thing
         you do in the morning and the last thing
         you  do at night?
 
 U
 
 P!
 
Did that one crack you UP?
 
Don’t screw UP. Send this on to everyone you   look UP in your address book . . . or not  . . . it’s UP to you.
 
Now I’ll shut UP!

Turtle – Rabbit Race

Image

Learning Cell Phone Etiquette

Learning Cell Phone Etiquette :

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

Faceless Toons

http://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.zahttp://www.faceless.co.za

Santa’s Helpers

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

Bitter Sweet

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1.  My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life..

2.  I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3.  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This  describes everything you are not.

4.  Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5.  I thought that I could love no other
—  that is, until I met your brother.

6.  Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are  you.
But  the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty, and so is your head.

7.  I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8.  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9.  My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10.  My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11.  What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime..

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern  Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow…right in his  crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the  ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to  the doctor.

He said: “How bad is it Doc? I’m going on my  honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin — in  every vay.”
The doctor told him, “Olof, I’ll have to put  your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It  should be okay next week, but leave it
on dere as long as you  can.”

He took 4 tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together…quite an  impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena , married  her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open  her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said:  “Olof…you’re the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen  deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants and  replied: “Look at dis Lena …
still in DA  CRATE!”

How do you feel about getting older?

As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.
I’ve become my own friend.
 
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
 
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
 
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
 
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.
 
Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
 
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed , and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
 
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.
 
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

Observations on Growing Older

Today is the Oldest You’ve ever been, Yet the Youngest you’ll ever be, so Enjoy this day while it lasts.

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..

Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”…they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

Now you get discounts on everything…

movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

~Remember when your mother said,

“Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,

“I hope my kids GET married…

Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem …..

were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words …

“what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,

but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P..M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …

you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet …

2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:

old songs,

old movies,

And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!



Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!

 

The New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

Now The Alphabet: 

A’s
for arthritis; 

B’s the bad back, 

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? 

D is for dental decay and decline, 

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!  

F is for farting and fluid retention, 

G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention. 

H is for high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; 

I is for incisions with scars you can show. 

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, 

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L‘s for libido, what happened to sex? 

M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 

O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! 

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! 

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; 

V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

W for worry, now what’s going ’round? 

X is for X ray, and what might be found. 

Y for another year I’m left here behind, 

Z is for zest I still have – in my mind! 


I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
 

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

 

Hot and Cold Sex

 

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’

 

‘In fact, I do.’ said the old man. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

 

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’ The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?’

 

“Oh, that crazy old coot” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

 

Forty Years of Marriage – Careful What You Wish

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband’.

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me’.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female….

Happy Monday

No, really I meant…

 

Tortoise & Hare

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

“Are you the owner?”

 

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

 

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

 

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

 

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

 

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

 

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

 

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

 

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

 

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

 

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

 

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

 

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

 

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

 

Pharmacist: “We sure do..”

 

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

 

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

 

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

 

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

 

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Lie Detector Test

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it on his son at supper.

“Where were you last night?” the father asks.

“I was at the library.” Robot slaps the son.

“OK I was at a friend’s house.”

“Doing what?” asked the father.

“Watching a movie, Toy Story.”

Robot slaps the son.

“OK it was porn!” cried the son.

Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!!!”

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says “He certainly is your son!”

Robot slaps the mother.

Tax Time

Tax time

 

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs

to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few

questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then

asks,”What’s your occupation?”

 

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase

that.”

 

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

 

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken

farmer.”

 

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?”

 

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

 

“Chicken Farmer it is.”

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