Hate My Job Day

When you have an ‘I Hate My Job Day’

[Even if you’re retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘ Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . ‘

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, ‘I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .’

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

……..Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart…Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

American History

American History

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

‘Patrick Henry, 1775’ he said.

‘Very good!’ Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper:  ‘F*ck the Indians,’

‘Who said that?’ she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’

Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George H Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘ Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “I think it was the Republicans, November 5, 2008.”

Best Poem

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven’s door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp–

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money! twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How’d all these sinners get up here?

God must’ve made a mistake.

‘And why’s everyone so quiet,

So somber – give me a clue.’

‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock.

No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

JUDGE NOT.

Remember…

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST…

Every sinner has a FUTURE!